In attempting to understand myself, and what I have often referred to as my duality, I have come to the following description:
Firstly, I am not some monolithic, atomic thing. My mind and my consciousness is not indivisible in nature. I am made up of an unfeasible to count amount of smaller sub elements. The precise nature of these sub elements I am unable to describe in detail. Only that the number rises and falls as the day progresses.
I often describe myself as like fire. All the sub elements are like flames, similar to what one might see when observing a candle burn. When I am awake, I am like a raging bon fire. My power and fury the culmination of massive amounts of these sub elements, all merged together into a seeming whole. The bon fire seems like it is one monolithic, atomic thing, but it clearly is not.
When I am deep asleep, I am like the left over coals, small flames flickering from time to time. The sub elements so few. My consciousness exists in either of these states at times, and all the states inbetween over time. I am not static in any way.
No single sub element is me. I am a collective. My identity somehow bound to the collection. I have sometimes heard it described as a persistent pattern, but the pattern changes wildly. I am not the same as I was mere moments ago. I am unrecognizable from what I was years ago. The changes can be terrifyingly drastic.
It would be a straw man to suggest I could take myself and break myself into differents sorts of categories. But it is sometimes helpful to view myself in different ways to better understand who and what I am, and what I continue to become.
One aspect of myself that I can describe is what I will call my Genetics. My Genetics is my facticity. That which I have inherited, often physically, from my parents or the world. My literal genes is a part of my Genetics.
My Genetics tell me about the aspects of myself which I have very little control over. When I say I was born a certain way, I am referring to this aspect of myself. If I believed in innateness, I would say that my Genetics includes those things about me that are innate.
While my Genetics seems fairly static, it is not. Through the other aspects, my Genetics can change over time, though generally quite slowly. A simple example might include when I exercise, building my muscles and fitness. Over time, as I become stronger, my Genetics will have changed in that way.
In the debate between Nature and Nurture, my Genetics is most closesly related to Nature, though clearly not quite the same. In the debate between the Empiricists and Rationalists, my Genetics do not really come up.
Another aspect of myself I will call my Conditioned. My Conditioned is the aspect of me given from the external. It includes all the training and education I have received. When my parents tell me that the world is a certain way, this becomes a part of my Conditioned. Testimony is often used to contribute to my Conditioned.
Unlike my Genetics, my Conditioned may not bear a strong resemblance to actual reality. Where my Genetics is bound to the rules of the universe in a very direct sense, my Conditioned floats freely. I can be told lies and misinformation that may end up bound to my Conditioned, negatively affecting my relationship with the world.
In the debate between Nature and Nurture, clearly my Conditioned is quite closely related to Nurture. In the debate between the Empiricists and Rationalists, my Conditioned strongly associates with the Empiricists.
Finally, I have an aspect of myself that I call my Unconditioned. Where the sources of my Conditioned come to me externally, my Unconditioned comes to me internally. My Unconditioned is the aspect of me who is self determining and autonomous. My Unconditioned is, in some sense, free.
Where others may educate me and contribute to my Conditioned, it is through reflection and reasoning that I build my Unconditioned. I often must use the skills and tools I have learned from the Conditioned in order to develop my Unconditioned. In this way, they are not as distinct as I might like. It would be a false dilemma to suggest that the Conditioned and Unconditioned were the only aspects of me of relevance.
In the debate between Nature and Nurture, my Unconditioned does not really have any solid ground to walk upon. In the debate between the Empiricists and the Rationalists, my Unconditioned would be most at home with the Rationalists.
I suspect there are other aspects of myself I might look for, but I think these three are sufficient for my discussion. Sufficient to try and understand my duality better.
What I often refer to as my duality is how I often feel like I have two minds about me. The mind I have referred to as the Light is most like the Conditioned. It is the part of me who understands what is expected of me by society and by others. My recognition of the rules and the ethics of the communities I belong to. Of when I try to conform and participate in those communities. To be what others want me to be.
The mind I have referred to as the Dark is most like the Unconditioned. It is the part of me who takes what he observes from the world, and paints his own picture of it. It is the part of me who is skeptical of the testimonies he receives and aims to figure things out for himself. The picture of the world the Dark paints is very unlike the picture the Light takes for granted.
It is this contradiction and conflict between the two sides of my duality that has caused me great anguish since I was very young. Hence why I found a way of describing them as the Light and the Dark. But today, I will do away with this duality, and start approaching my challenges using my new model.
Like the Light and the Dark, there is clearly a conflict between my Conditioned and my Unconditioned. I acknowledge that there are other aspects of myself, such as my Genetics, that may play a role in understanding. But for now, I will focus on these two.
As laid out earlier, my Conditioned receives its information from the external. Primarly through testimony. What I am told and how I was raised. I was trained that a man enjoys his beer. When I insisted that I did not like beer, it was not the model of a man that was questioned, it was me. As a man, clearly there was some sort of malfunction with me.
My Unconditioned receives its information from the internal. It was my Unconditioned that realized it did not like beer. It was also my Unconditioned that realized there was no reason I ought to consume the vile fluid. It asks questions like, “why ought I be a man?” If all men like beer, and I do not like beer, the logical conclusion to draw is that I must not be a man.
Perhaps the description of a man needs to be corrected or fixed. After all, all people tell me I am still a man. I still exhibit the characteristics of a man, do I not? Upon closer inspection, however, it seems perhaps I do not exhibit as many characteristics as many assume. Aside from my physical body, that which is a part of my Genetics, I do not necessarily exhibit so many “manly” traits.
So my Conditioned exclaims proudly that I must somehow be a woman if I am not a man. But this too raises issues. For my Unconditioned is quick to point out that I also do not exhibit many of the traits of woman either. Is the problem with me, or is the problem with these categories I am supposed to belong to?
Thus the fight ensues. The Conditioned, having been formally educated, will insist that I must fit squarely into one of these two categories. My Conditioned insists on the pursuit of a false dilemma. And if I do not fit into either category properly, I must be adjusted until I do. After all, these categories cannot possibly be wrong.
My Unconditioned is pensive. Perhaps the problem is the idea of categorizing in the first place. The idea that I need to fit into some box. Can I not simply be as I am? To feel as I do, authentically. Not trying to be one thing or another. Just allowing my mind to wander to wherever it naturally drifts to. To allow myself to be.
This is the debate in my head that has been going on for literal decades. That I feel as I feel. Those things that I feel are, often times, not appropriate according to society. Those desires that I have are taboo. So I have learned to hide myself. To not express myself. For fear of reprisal and scorn.
I have created the most elaborate mask for myself. Over the years, this mask has been adorned with the most precious jewels and metals. The sophistication so precise as to suggest refinement and superiority. But I confuse people, because though my mask is so pretty, I act differently.
My behavior is abhorrent at times. I say the most wicked things, when I am not censoring myself. I do not dress as my mask suggests I ought to be dressing. I do not present properly.
This is a big deal actually. The cues. In a world of men and women, there are a lot of cues. Cues to tell people who and what you are. If you present the wrong cues, people get confused. And when they get confused, they often lash out. People do not like things that are different. People do not like that which does not conform or fit nicely into the categories.
I am so well practiced now that I unconsciously conceal myself in crowds. My ability to be invisible is ridiculous. To not draw attention. It is so bad that I do not even crave it any longer. Well, that is not true. Like I think all creatures, I do crave attention. But I fear it as well. Because when one acquires attention from others, they do not get to select the positive from the negative. One simply receives all the attention.
For me, this is no longer about the Light and the Dark. Those words and ideas were rooted in the ideas of good and evil. The thought that there was an aspect of myself that needed to be purged or corrected. I have been called a monster in my past. For feeling the things that I felt. No respectable person feels as I do, I was told.
However, over the years, I have found that most people feel in ways that are unpopular. Most people have secrets. I think that most people have a Conditioned and an Unconditioned, though they may not think of it as I am now. A part of them that they wish to promote, and a part they wish to remove. I think most people feel a lot of guilt, especially for feeling things they believe they ought not feel.
I am reminded of a popular interpretation of love, of cheating. I am told by many that one who cheats on their partner within the mind is still cheating. If this is true, I suspect that every person in every relationship will have cheated on their partner at least once. Probably a lot more than just once.
People feel as they feel. When they feel something that is unpopular, they often feel guilt. There are whole religions based on this simple idea. Hence why I believe many religions were simply created to ensure conformity within larger populations. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. Guilt motivates people strongly.
Instead, for me, I shed myself of guilt. Of concern for feeling as I feel. I feel, and it is okay. It may still matter how I act upon my feelings, as I do still have to live in a world occupied by others. But the mere feeling of a thing should not preclude my own existence in the world.
My mind, my identity, is bound in insanity. An unresolvable puzzle, between what I am told and what I observe. My Conditioned and my Unconditioned. I do not think there is an answer. I simply must allow myself to exist as best I can between the various extremes.