In my previous post, I suggested that love is a journey. Those who have spoken with me in person will know that I have also frequently stated that love is a choice. In this post, I will elaborate on how these two statements are connected.
In any journey, I can choose to follow the most efficient path that connects where I am to where I wish to go. I can also choose any number of alternative paths, each of which will be less efficient than the first. I have already discussed why I think less efficient paths may be preferable to more efficient paths, but what I did not focus on was the fact that I am choosing between paths. Putting this another way, why I choose one path over another is just as significant as the path I choose, perhaps more so.
In a previous post, I discussed the relationship between choice and freedom or free will. How the ability to make a choice is tied with some sort of freedom. That is to say, I must be free to make a choice, otherwise the idea of choice does not itself make sense. In the case of my journey, I must be free to choose which path I am to take toward my destination. The question I might ask is whether there are cases when I am not free to choose the path I take.
In one sense, the situation I have presented seems impossible. I am always able to choose my path, even in cases where I may not like the particular choices I have laid out in front of me. When I have a gun pointed to my head, I am still able to choose not to follow the commands issued to me, even though my choice may result in the end of my life. However, I think the more productive way to view this situation is as a limiting of the particular paths available to select from. The individual holding a gun to my head may not literally be forcing me to make a particular choice, but they are certainly limiting the sorts of choice I am able to make. In particular, they have provided a choice that includes the end of my life, a choice that may not have been present before the situation I find myself in.
It is at this point considering Simone de Beauvoir is helpful, particularly her view of one’s “situation.” For Beauvoir, my situation includes the brute facts about my existence. For example, that I am perceived to be male by those around me in part makes up my situation. However, it is important to understand that my situation is much more than simply that I am part of the category “man;” it also includes all the privileges I have as a result of this brute fact. My being a man allows me access to parts of this world that those who are in the category of “woman” have no access to. For example, late at night, if I wish to go for a walk down the dark streets of my neighborhood, it is part of my selection of choices that I can do so without having to fear for my life or for other possible abuses. This is not so for most women; due to the cultural training instilled in most young girls, it is considered incredibly dangerous to be alone on a dark street at night. This example is a bit of an oversimplification, as I could still be mugged by some thief, and there are certainly some women that I know who have no fear of dark streets. However, the point to be understood here is that there is clearly something different going on between myself and the typical woman. Where I may have very little fear of a negative incident occurring, for the woman the threat seems to be much higher.
It is this very complicated set of circumstances and facts about me that make up my situation. Another way to describe my situation is to suggest that my situation has a direct bearing on the sorts of projects I can easily take up, and what projects are not really available to me. Another example might include whether I am able to attend a university in order to earn a degree of some kind. If I come from a wealthy, well connected family, not only is going to university an easily attainable project I can undertake, I will likely have many options for which university I wish to attend. On the contrary, if I come from a poor family, where we are barely able to afford to put food on the table from month to month, the opportunity of attending university may not really present a live option. In these two situations, the paths that are available to me to select from are different, regardless of the final destination that I may have in mind.
Tying this back to the topic of love, my options for whom to pursue a relationship with are limited by my situation as well. In my youth, my friends and I would ogle the busty celebrities of our time, often fantasizing about being with those women and even possessing them. It seems to me this sort of fantasizing is not uncommon and continues for many men well into their later years. This itself speaks volumes regarding the situation a typical man finds himself in. No matter how much fantasizing I did, and no matter what sorts of choices I might make, the probability of me meeting the “girl of my dreams” and possessing her are virtually zero. It is not really a live choice for me to make, nor is it a reasonable path for me to choose. Instead, more reasonable choices existed in the girls who attended my high school with me.
To be clear, I no longer condone this sort of behavior at all. This cultural phenomenon, which often is described as a part of the system of patriarchy, is something I consider reprehensible today. My present journey is one where I hope to change my world to reflect a more empathetic view of life, with compassion toward all beings, not just the human ones. But that is also my history, and to dismiss it would be to ignore an important aspect of my situation. I am who I am today because I was what I was in the past.
This also leads to the other concern I might raise at this point, regarding the pursuit of partnerships, regardless of the sex or gender of the other party. The desire most of us have to find another individual that we expect to spend the better part of our lives with, so that we are not “alone.” This was recently raised to me in a discussion regarding what constitutes a “family” in various surveys (the current definition of family in this circumstance was a military man, a civilian woman, and two civilian children). While I agree that the current definition is clearly weak, not encompassing many of the groups that I would consider to be a family, the concern I want to raise is in the desire for there to be a family unit, regardless of its specific composition. That there be families as the most basic unit of partnership among the population, instead of more complex groupings that blur the lines between “whose children belong to whom.” This is a topic I will have to address in another post.
My situation includes an aspect that suggests I need to be in a partnership with exactly one other individual. Furthermore, the “preferred” other individual is expected to be of a sex and gender that is opposite to mine. Furthermore, it is expected that I will reproduce with that other individual and produce at least two offspring. All of these things lead into the expectation that I must find love. And all of this significantly affects the sorts of paths I have to select between. If I accept these expectations, placed upon me by the society and world I belong to, then my choice for whom to love becomes limited by various prospects, such as needing to find a partner who is a woman, of “breeding” age, and who is “attainable” by my social status. Furthermore, I should entirely dismiss and reject any individuals who would contradict these mandates. In other words, I certainly should not fall in love with a man, a woman who is infertile, or a dog. My choices for love are already incredibly limited.
As with all things, our world is not filled with black and white choices, and most people find grey within their limited selection of paths. For example, some individuals do fall in love with dogs, though they do not expect to reproduce with those dogs, nor do they expect to engage in sexual relationships with those dogs. However, what the have with those dogs I would still consider love, and I think most people would agree with me. Their partnership is the sort of partnership where they look out for each other, as much as they each are able, and they do their best to provide a happy life to their partner. Isn’t that what we would like to think love is all about?
Love is a choice. It is a very complicated choice based on our very unique situations and circumstances, limited by our cultures and societies. We engage with some potential partners and dismiss others, most of the time at an unconscious level. I could not possibly love this rock, after all, it isn’t even alive. In the next post I will continue to elaborate on how it is not just a choice at the outset, but it is an ongoing choice as well.