Before I begin, I wish to acknowledge that the term I have used as my title today is not my own creation. I’ve borrowed it from Marilyn Frye, specifically from the book “The Politics of Realty, Essays in Feminist Theory.” My discussion today is heavily influenced by Frye’s ideas and words, as well as the ideas of Simone de Beauvoir and others. Of women.
I recently watched the 2020 film “Promising Young Woman.” This is an amazing and impressive work whose underlying critical thoughts are likely missed by most of its viewers, especially the male viewers. I would strongly urge you to watch this film, if you have not already done so. Do not read any synopsis of the film ahead of time; the synopsis I found and read actually took away from the charm of the story (the synopsis had spoilers in it). Instead, I offer this description of the film:
A troubled young woman goes around luring men to take her home under the guise of being blackout drunk. In truth, she is stone cold sober every time, and uses the opportunity to confront the men who are simply trying to take advantage of her for their own pleasure. As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that she may not be as troubled as is initially assumed.
I was not raised a woman or a girl. I do not have the experience nor conditioning that accompany such an upbringing. Instead, I was raised a man. Much of my conditioning and experience was focused on presenting the world to me in such a way that “the world is my oyster.” I was raised to oppress and control. I was raised to seek ownership and possession of all that is in my purview. I always had troubles with these ideas, seeing the inconsistencies and flaws in such a world-view. Unfortunately for me, being aware has not always been enough to stop be from doing the things I ought not do. But I try to this day to be more than I was raised to be.
Today, I must speak from my perspective on this topic, because that is the perspective I have. I cannot speak for women, as I am not a woman. I did not have those experiences. I do not fully understand where my insight came from, but it is here nonetheless. I hope I can do justice to and properly convey the idea I have planned to convey.
In my last year at university, I had an ongoing discussion with a friend of a friend of mine. A young man who considered himself “woke.” A young man who believed he treated women well. A “nice guy,” to borrow a term used in the film mentioned above. We discussed a number of topics, but one of them recurred frequently. The idea of approaching a woman in order to pursue a relationship with her. He would come to me suggesting the best and most appropriate manner in approaching a desirable woman; a manner that he considered to be properly acknowledging the woman’s autonomy and status as a free conscious being. Every time, I had to tell him that I believed he was mistaken. His approaching a desirable woman (for any reason really) is already flawed before he begins. This is what I will explain, and I hope to make it clear why I am correct.
I will first break down the process that leads him to approach the woman. His method of approach matters little, as you will see. First, he sees the woman. Then he decides she is attractive. In finding her attractive, he desires to pursue a relationship with her, which leads to the question of how best to approach her in order to realize this relationship. Presented more susinctly:
[1] Man sees woman (this is discovery: he comes to understand that the woman exists)
[2] Man judges woman (from [1] and using his world-view, he assesses the qualities of the woman)
[3] Man finds woman attractive (from [2], man determines that woman’s qualities are desirable)
[4] Man desires to possess woman (from [3], man wishes to exercise his desire by possessing the desirable thing)
[5] Man tries to determine best course of action to achieve [4]
Of course it is always possible that after [2] the man determines that the qualities of the woman are not desirable, and then [3], [4], and [5] do not come about, but this simply exacerbates the situation and emphasizes my point further. I will return to this later. For now, I will address the situation where the man does find the woman attractive.
Step [1] above is the ONLY step that is not wrought with sexism or other negative ideas. It is basic discovery in the world. To be clear, the sort of thing I have in mind here is the most basic, primitive form of seeing. Before this step, the man is not aware that the woman exists at all in any way. After this step, he is aware of her existence, simply at the most basic level. Enough so for him to proceed to step [2]. One cannot begin to judge a thing until one is aware that there is a thing to be judged. Basic awareness of existence.
Step [2] begins the first, and in my opinion most insidious, problem with the situation. We all judge. It is part of our nature as free conscious beings to do so. We assess our world, deciding the value of everything around us. It is possible that I might borrow a valuation offered to me by others, such as the systems in place in society, but it is still me who applies and exercises that valuation. In the case of the woman, the man assess her qualities (whatever qualities he is able to glean by seeing her). If her qualities measure up to the valuation he has established (a.k.a if he thinks she is beautiful based on his pre-established valuation of beauty standards, which are often given to him through his upbringing in a patriarchal society), then he finds her attractive. This is the first problem, and one could stop here if one wanted to.
Step [3] follows from step [2]. If the woman’s qualities are such that she is valuable, she is then desired. He desires her, for she has value to him. It isn’t any more complicated than this. He sees her as a commodity with value. He has objectified her. One might argue the objectification occurred at step [2], and I would not really argue against that. However, I would point out that when I judge, I do so to everything in my world, indiscriminately. I cannot see my world without judging ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I see. On some level, I have decided the value in everything around me, and a woman is no different than a stone in this regard. Even my own body is subject to this judgement. This is what it means to be embodied, as Beauvoir might agree with me; simply having a body subjects me to judgement and assessment. To have a body is to, even if just in part, be objectified. The trick is to not allow this objectification to overwhelm the other possible interactions I might have with a particular body, such as an acknowledgement that the body is more than a mere body, and may also include a free conscious being with its own desires and projects.
Therefore, it is at step [3] that the majority of problems occur. Sexism rears its ugly head and establishes the nature of the relationship between the man and the woman even before the woman knows what is happening. Specifically, the man decides the woman’s value is merely in her embodiment. The man has reduced the woman to a mere object, without regard to any other aspect she may possess, including her own desires. Ironically, if he decides she is unattractive, the same is still true, as he has reduced her to a valuation which has made her undesirable as well. He has still disregarded any other possible aspect to her as a free conscious being when he dismisses her.
This is why we do not even need to proceed to step [4] or beyond. Step [4] is simply the man deciding to pursue the woman in order to possess her as a valuable object, or to dismiss her as an object with little or no value. In other words, If the man decides he wishes to pursue this woman at this point, he does so simply in virtue of her objectivity. Any attempt he makes to approach this woman is tainted by a stain of desired oppression. And, as I was reminded by my partner, her desire to be or not be approached is also being dismissed.
Put another way, his reason to approach the woman is flawed at the outset. There is no determining the best way to approach the woman because the simple desire to approach the woman is the problem. It is all about the “why.” Why does he want to approach the woman? If he does so because he is attracted to her, then he is already at fault of expressing sexism. If he wants to pursue a relationship with her, then he is objectifying her. He has chosen a course of action rooted in his valuation of her. One might even argue that what he desires is not the woman at all, but his perception of value that he believes the woman possesses. That is, what he desires is the abstract qualities he believes have value, and he has subconsciously assigned to the woman. He desires the idea of the woman. Either way, he has disregarded her as a free conscious being, having her own desires and projects.
This is, as I see it, one of the major issues women face in our world. The thing is, this analysis can be just as easily applied to racism and other forms of prejudism. It’s in the name itself. To judge before one gets to know the other parts or aspects of the entity in question. To base one’s opinions, and especially valuation, upon simple visual qualities. To judge a book by its cover, as the saying goes. To establish that the value of a person is somehow based on what they look like, or other features of their appearance. And to dismiss even the possibility that they may possess other features that one cannot see. Or, if you prefer, to dismiss the significance of those other features, giving inappropriate weight to those features that are seen through the arrogant eye.