Today’s post is a bit different. It will still have a strong philosophical aspect to it, however, it will also be much more personal at the same time. Today I want to discuss how to apologize to someone for deeds of the past.
In some cases, apologizing to someone for harm done is an easy choice. If the person who has been harmed continues to experience the effects of the harm, then it is fundamentally critical that the person who initiated the harm should apologize and do what they can to alleviate the ongoing effects of the harm. I do not believe there would be many people out there who would argue against this. Put more simply, if you harm another person, you should apologize to that person for doing them harm, and then you should do what you can to undo the effects of the harm.
But what if the effects are long passed? Or perhaps the effects of the harm have become integrated deeply into the person’s psyche? It may have become an integral part of their current personality, and the manner in which they coped with the harm may have become simply another aspect of them now. In some cases, this could include when a person has suppressed the effects in order to cope. Should you apologize in this case?
The concern I am raising is the situation whereby apologizing to someone for harm from the past may dredge up old buried memories and pain. If my intention is to sincerely apologize for past harm, I ought not generate new current harm in the process. In some cases, the past is the past, and it may be prudent to let the past remain the past.
In order to clarify what my concern is and how this may play out, consider a hydroelectric dam. While many seem to believe that a dam is an extremely environmentally friendly form of generating electricity, I would like to point out simply how wrong those people are. Take a body of water, such as a flowing river or stream. That environment exists in its form, and all the life that exists around it is accustomed to the body of water as it is: as a flowing river or stream. Those creatures who are “fit,” in Darwin’s idea of fitness, under those circumstances, with a flowing river or stream, will flourish, while those who are not “fit” will not flourish. The environment exists as it does, with a flowing river or stream.
Now add the hydroelectric dam to the equation. The flowing water becomes something else. The river becomes a lake. The water is no longer moving but has become static. Those creatures who flourished in the previous environment may not be as “fit” in the new environment. Furthermore, other creatures who did not flourish in the previous environment may be more “fit” and start to flourish. The environment changes. Some creatures die out and go extinct, while other creatures become the new dominant species in the area. Irreparable damage has taken place. Irreparable harm.
It may be argued that one can simply remove the hydroelectric dam and allow the previous environment to reassert itself, however, if a particular species really has gone extinct, then there will be no way for that species to return. Furthermore, now that the new environment has been created, is it really justified or appropriate to take a new thriving species and kill it in the name of the past?
I do not have an answer to the hydroelectric dam dilemma. Once an environment has been changed, it has been changed. There is no “going back.” And it might even be argued that “going back” is undesirable anyway. This I compare to harm done between people.
When I was young, I was bullied a lot. When I was young, I was considered a nerd and a geek. When I was young, being a nerd or geeky was the furthest thing from popular. Times have changed. My childhood was quite challenging for me. But I do not regret my own childhood. The bullying I experienced gave me the skills and tools needed to deal with bullying in my adult life. Admittedly, I still learn more skills and tools even today to deal with such situations, but the bulk of my abilities come from my youth. I know how to stand my ground, and I know how to not be taken in by the bully. I can “turn the other cheek” as some might call it. I can diffuse the bully.
But. Sometimes I also was the bully. There have been times in my life where I abused my power over others as well. I have inflicted harm upon others. The worst part was that I had no idea I was doing it at the time in most cases. And even when I did realize I was doing harm, the methods I used to try and undo the effects often created even more harm than the original harm. It is for all my actions that I wish to apologize.
It may be true that I am as much a victim of the systemic structures of society (such as patriarchy and consumerism) as anybody else. But I don’t feel like that is a good excuse. In the past, I thought I was a “nice guy,” much like I referred to in my last post. I thought I was doing what I ought to do with regard to women. I know now how wrong I was. I regret my behavior and I want to apologize for it.
However, I cannot apologize. At least not in the normal sense. To seek out those I harmed and try to apologize to them amounts to reintroducing the harm, or introducing new harm. Seeking those people out is itself a harm. Like the hydroelectric dam, those individuals I am thinking about have become who and what they are today and it is certainly not my place to interfere in their lives. I ought not approach them at all.
I’ve thought a lot about all of this, for many, many years. I understand that a large part of my desire to apologize is for my own relief from pain. To apologize can also be a selfish act. For me, this may be part of the story as well. So I believe I have come up with a sort of way to deal with this situation. If I cannot approach those people, perhaps I can make known my apology, and leave it in a place where they can find it. And then, if they go looking for it, they can find it and know that I regret my actions. In that way, they have control of the situation and can decide for themselves if they wish to seek me out. They can have the power, instead of me.
This solution is far from perfect. Posting a mostly anonymous blog in the void of the information superhighway is certainly not going to make things easy for them. However, I do know that those people are connected to others that I know, and so they will be able to find me if they desire to do so. It is possible for them to find this blog and my messages. And so, this is what I will do now.
To M, who said I was a monster, and who suggested she only dated me to protect other women in the world from me, I apologize. I know our relationship was so strange and innocent at the time we had it. I clearly did not know what I was doing, nor the harm I was causing you. I feel like you may have been in the same situation, though I realize I do not know your mind in these matters. I thank you for enduring me, as the lessons you taught me have endured all this time as well. However, I am sorry for being the monster. And I am sorry for causing you harm.
To L, who suggested I did not want to date her, but that I was only interested in what she could do for me. You were right, of course. Your assessment of me was accurate, as your maturity likely showed you. I often think about your past history, the history you refused to share with me, and I find the possibilities simply make me regret even more how I treated you. I was clearly too young and immature to understand the nature of our relationship. It was you who suggested I go out and explore myself in the world, and I have. But I am still sorry for how I treated you. I am sorry for causing you harm.
To M, who revealed to me that the drugs were taking something from me. I was in a bad place when you met me, and the drugs were simply an escape from a reality I needed to feel. I was supposed to be the mature one, but I did not handle my position as I ought to have. I am sorry for causing you harm.
And to all the others who I have not mentioned, I am sorry as well. Part of my writing this blog has been to come to terms with the reality of this world, and part of that coming to terms is the realization of precisely how bad people are toward each other. The prejudice and the sexism is so thick, it almost seems like it exists as a thing in itself. But I know that it does not. Or, to be more accurate, it doesn’t have to be. As my philosophy instructors would often phrase it, “it could be otherwise.”
There is absolutely no good reason that men ought to treat women as they do. Nor is there any good reason for treating anyone else as anything less than human. Or, perhaps to be more accurate, to treat any other living being as anything less than a living being, for even humans ought not be privileged. My pet rabbit ought not be my pet, and be allowed to simply be himself, as a rabbit.
I believe in Simone de Beauvoir and her suggestion that revolution is the only real answer. That we cannot change the system from within the system. Only from outside can we even hope to gain a proper understanding of the state of affairs we have created for ourselves. And only from the outside could we even hope to find an appropriate course of action to follow to make the world a better place.
I apologize to everyone for my part in being a man in patriarchy. I apologize for my sexism, my racism, and all my other -isms. I’d like to tell you all that I am no longer those things, but the truth is I am still. I don’t think I can escape it, just as I believe that everyone else is just as sexist and racist as I am. The difference is not whether we are an -ism, it is what we choose to do with that knowledge. To check myself and not allow my prejudices to unduly affect my decision making and other choices. I may be sexist, but I don’t have to allow that sexism to inform my decisions.
It is like the issue of staying at home during a pandemic. Just because the government doesn’t tell me I must stay at home full time doesn’t mean I ought to look for every little loophole in order to leave my house. As my father suggested about laws, it is more important to recognize the spirit of the law instead of the word of the law. To understand the intention behind. To understand that I ought to do my best to stay at home, as that will help others stay safe during this pandemic. To understand that thinking of others helps me be better toward everyone else. And to recognize that others are not really others at all, but simply another part of me.