Tag: Conditioned

Meta Ethics

crimson

After what I wrote in my last post, reflecting further on these ideas, I realized that perhaps this is all about ethics going off the rails. Ethics, as I understand it, is the codifying and practice of establishing what one ought do, as opposed to what one desires to do. Ethics is providing guidance in how one ought to live their life.

When I say “going off the rails” what I am suggesting is a case where ethics starts to go beyond what is reasonable. To expect people to act in certain ways, especially in light of the fact that humans exist in commmunities, seems reasonable to me. To help facilitate interactions and promote cooperation amongst members. But when ethics starts to suggest how individuals think and feel, I think it is overstepping.

By and large, individuals have control of their actions. They have control over their bodies. They can raise their arm or they can lower it. If they are told not to raise their arm, they can chose to obey. It is rare that they will be forced to raise their arm, or that it will be raised by another. The raising of arms is within the control of most individuals.

Thus, making rules around the raising of arms seems reasonable to me. Because such rules can then be followed by those who decide to do so. It is not like one will simply find their arm raising suddenly without their own knowledge. Perhaps occasionally with some people. But not most people, I think.

This is not so simple with one’s thoughts or one’s feelings. If I tell you to never think about bananas, not only are you likely to be challenged in following such a rule, but I suspect you will have immediately started thinking about bananas as I tell you the rule. You may end up breaking the rule upon simply hearing the rule. This is not helpful at all.

The things that go on within the mind are hard to understand. I cannot know your mind, only my own, and so this discussion will necessarily be a reflection of my own experiences.

My mind wanders. At times, I can be challenged to place within my mind the things I want to think about. More often, I find that the sorts of things that appear come from the most random of places. My mind is frequently affected by my circumstances. What I smell or hear may spark a though or an idea. I do not intentionally place that idea there, it simply seems to appear.

So my mind seems to be less within my control than my arm. There are some things I can chose to think about on command, like bananas. But there are lots of things I seem unable to recall on demand. Telling me I ought not think anything in particular seems quite unreasonable to me.

Discussion of feelings makes the situation even worse. Controlling my feelings seems even more challenging. Again, as I cannot feel what others feel, only my own feelings, I will again concede that this discussion is presented from my vantage point.

When I get angry, I do not chose to become angry. Like with thinking, it is generally based in circumstances. Someone cutting me off while driving, for example, might invoke in me anger. The anger manifests, but I do not place it there. The best I seem able to do is feed into that anger and make it grow. Or to chose not to feed the anger and allow it to slowly subside. In both cases, the anger is still there; I might suggest I have the power to manage it a little bit.

To tell me I ought not feel the things that I feel, or to control my feelings will be even more challenging than telling me what I ought to think. I will break the rules about my feelings frequently, even without realizing I have done so.

Therefore, for ethics to make suggestions regarding the things I think or feel seems quite unreasonable. It is a recipe for failure and worse. Because if ethics starts dictating these sorts of things, people will simply find themselves breaking rules constantly. And for those who are sincerely trying to follow the rules, guilt and shame will ensue.

Perhaps this is the whole point. Main stream religions seem obsessed with such things. The devout Catholic is no stranger to guilt; it has become a significant part of their everyday lives. Being asked to not commit sins that somehow end up as part of the tasks at their jobs or at home. They are being set up to fail.

The reason I bring this all up is that this may be the source of my own conflicts. It is not enough that society wants to tell me who and what I am. It seems to me society wants to tell me what I ought to think and feel as well. As my frequent example goes, I am supposed to like beer. When I express that I do not like beer, I am shamed. I am to be corrected.

I use these very tangable examples because I think it helps in understanding. However, the sorts of things I think and feel that I am regularly shamed for are generally not so tangable, and usually far more insidious. Even me saying this here and now may elicit negative responses from the readers who know me personally.

I have sometimes had thoughts of killing. I feel in my hands the desire to grip and rend flesh. These are dark thoughts. I have been told in the past that it is normal to have such feelings. But whenever I have revealed these sorts of feelings, people will often look at me differently. Once they know that I have these thoughts, they shy from me. Some friends I have had are no longer friends after a short time.

I have found, personally, that exposing my thoughts and feeling can often times have very negative consequences. This is a large reason I created this blog, and why I keep myself mostly anonymous. I know that others can find me if they try, but it would take work and effort. They would have to justify for themselves such effort before worrying about identifying me in real life.

But here is the kicker. While I may have such dark thoughts and feelings, I am well enough to not allow those thoughts and feelings to manifest in reality. While I may have thoughts of killing, I do not act upon them. When I think a bad thought, I do not immediately open my mouth to speak of it. Perhaps I did in my youth, but I was quickly corrected of that behavior.

My thoughts are my thoughts. I feel as I feel. If I allow society to dictate who and what I ought to be, then I find I am guilty of many, many offences. No matter how hard I try to be the good, law abiding citizen, I find that I am inferior to the task. I just cannot stop thinking and feeling these dark thoughts and feelings.

And so I have felt tremendous guilt and shame for most of my life. When my ex girlfriend called me a monster, I believed her. I believed myself the monster. I orchestrated the end of our relationship, because clearly she would be better off with someone else. Someone who is not a monster.

This is why the ideas of the Conditioned and the Unconditioned are so important to me. Because I can see that my guilt is unfounded. It has taken a very, very long time to realize that. I can forgive myself. I can accept myself. What’s more, there are others who are in a similar situation as I find myself, and I can help them too.

I think we are all slaves in this world. Perhaps not literally; after all, if I am a slave, I ought to be able to point to my master. But we are still slaves of a sort. We are forced to conform and obey, and we are not given much choice about it. We are made to think and feel things we may not think and feel.

I envy the person whose thoughts and feelings happen to conform to the desires of society. They must certainly be happy.

The Genetic, the Conditioned, and the Unconditioned

crimson

In attempting to understand myself, and what I have often referred to as my duality, I have come to the following description:

Firstly, I am not some monolithic, atomic thing. My mind and my consciousness is not indivisible in nature. I am made up of an unfeasible to count amount of smaller sub elements. The precise nature of these sub elements I am unable to describe in detail. Only that the number rises and falls as the day progresses.

I often describe myself as like fire. All the sub elements are like flames, similar to what one might see when observing a candle burn. When I am awake, I am like a raging bon fire. My power and fury the culmination of massive amounts of these sub elements, all merged together into a seeming whole. The bon fire seems like it is one monolithic, atomic thing, but it clearly is not.

When I am deep asleep, I am like the left over coals, small flames flickering from time to time. The sub elements so few. My consciousness exists in either of these states at times, and all the states inbetween over time. I am not static in any way.

No single sub element is me. I am a collective. My identity somehow bound to the collection. I have sometimes heard it described as a persistent pattern, but the pattern changes wildly. I am not the same as I was mere moments ago. I am unrecognizable from what I was years ago. The changes can be terrifyingly drastic.

It would be a straw man to suggest I could take myself and break myself into differents sorts of categories. But it is sometimes helpful to view myself in different ways to better understand who and what I am, and what I continue to become.

One aspect of myself that I can describe is what I will call my Genetics. My Genetics is my facticity. That which I have inherited, often physically, from my parents or the world. My literal genes is a part of my Genetics.

My Genetics tell me about the aspects of myself which I have very little control over. When I say I was born a certain way, I am referring to this aspect of myself. If I believed in innateness, I would say that my Genetics includes those things about me that are innate.

While my Genetics seems fairly static, it is not. Through the other aspects, my Genetics can change over time, though generally quite slowly. A simple example might include when I exercise, building my muscles and fitness. Over time, as I become stronger, my Genetics will have changed in that way.

In the debate between Nature and Nurture, my Genetics is most closesly related to Nature, though clearly not quite the same. In the debate between the Empiricists and Rationalists, my Genetics do not really come up.

Another aspect of myself I will call my Conditioned. My Conditioned is the aspect of me given from the external. It includes all the training and education I have received. When my parents tell me that the world is a certain way, this becomes a part of my Conditioned. Testimony is often used to contribute to my Conditioned.

Unlike my Genetics, my Conditioned may not bear a strong resemblance to actual reality. Where my Genetics is bound to the rules of the universe in a very direct sense, my Conditioned floats freely. I can be told lies and misinformation that may end up bound to my Conditioned, negatively affecting my relationship with the world.

In the debate between Nature and Nurture, clearly my Conditioned is quite closely related to Nurture. In the debate between the Empiricists and Rationalists, my Conditioned strongly associates with the Empiricists.

Finally, I have an aspect of myself that I call my Unconditioned. Where the sources of my Conditioned come to me externally, my Unconditioned comes to me internally. My Unconditioned is the aspect of me who is self determining and autonomous. My Unconditioned is, in some sense, free.

Where others may educate me and contribute to my Conditioned, it is through reflection and reasoning that I build my Unconditioned. I often must use the skills and tools I have learned from the Conditioned in order to develop my Unconditioned. In this way, they are not as distinct as I might like. It would be a false dilemma to suggest that the Conditioned and Unconditioned were the only aspects of me of relevance.

In the debate between Nature and Nurture, my Unconditioned does not really have any solid ground to walk upon. In the debate between the Empiricists and the Rationalists, my Unconditioned would be most at home with the Rationalists.

I suspect there are other aspects of myself I might look for, but I think these three are sufficient for my discussion. Sufficient to try and understand my duality better.

What I often refer to as my duality is how I often feel like I have two minds about me. The mind I have referred to as the Light is most like the Conditioned. It is the part of me who understands what is expected of me by society and by others. My recognition of the rules and the ethics of the communities I belong to. Of when I try to conform and participate in those communities. To be what others want me to be.

The mind I have referred to as the Dark is most like the Unconditioned. It is the part of me who takes what he observes from the world, and paints his own picture of it. It is the part of me who is skeptical of the testimonies he receives and aims to figure things out for himself. The picture of the world the Dark paints is very unlike the picture the Light takes for granted.

It is this contradiction and conflict between the two sides of my duality that has caused me great anguish since I was very young. Hence why I found a way of describing them as the Light and the Dark. But today, I will do away with this duality, and start approaching my challenges using my new model.

Like the Light and the Dark, there is clearly a conflict between my Conditioned and my Unconditioned. I acknowledge that there are other aspects of myself, such as my Genetics, that may play a role in understanding. But for now, I will focus on these two.

As laid out earlier, my Conditioned receives its information from the external. Primarly through testimony. What I am told and how I was raised. I was trained that a man enjoys his beer. When I insisted that I did not like beer, it was not the model of a man that was questioned, it was me. As a man, clearly there was some sort of malfunction with me.

My Unconditioned receives its information from the internal. It was my Unconditioned that realized it did not like beer. It was also my Unconditioned that realized there was no reason I ought to consume the vile fluid. It asks questions like, “why ought I be a man?” If all men like beer, and I do not like beer, the logical conclusion to draw is that I must not be a man.

Perhaps the description of a man needs to be corrected or fixed. After all, all people tell me I am still a man. I still exhibit the characteristics of a man, do I not? Upon closer inspection, however, it seems perhaps I do not exhibit as many characteristics as many assume. Aside from my physical body, that which is a part of my Genetics, I do not necessarily exhibit so many “manly” traits.

So my Conditioned exclaims proudly that I must somehow be a woman if I am not a man. But this too raises issues. For my Unconditioned is quick to point out that I also do not exhibit many of the traits of woman either. Is the problem with me, or is the problem with these categories I am supposed to belong to?

Thus the fight ensues. The Conditioned, having been formally educated, will insist that I must fit squarely into one of these two categories. My Conditioned insists on the pursuit of a false dilemma. And if I do not fit into either category properly, I must be adjusted until I do. After all, these categories cannot possibly be wrong.

My Unconditioned is pensive. Perhaps the problem is the idea of categorizing in the first place. The idea that I need to fit into some box. Can I not simply be as I am? To feel as I do, authentically. Not trying to be one thing or another. Just allowing my mind to wander to wherever it naturally drifts to. To allow myself to be.

This is the debate in my head that has been going on for literal decades. That I feel as I feel. Those things that I feel are, often times, not appropriate according to society. Those desires that I have are taboo. So I have learned to hide myself. To not express myself. For fear of reprisal and scorn.

I have created the most elaborate mask for myself. Over the years, this mask has been adorned with the most precious jewels and metals. The sophistication so precise as to suggest refinement and superiority. But I confuse people, because though my mask is so pretty, I act differently.

My behavior is abhorrent at times. I say the most wicked things, when I am not censoring myself. I do not dress as my mask suggests I ought to be dressing. I do not present properly.

This is a big deal actually. The cues. In a world of men and women, there are a lot of cues. Cues to tell people who and what you are. If you present the wrong cues, people get confused. And when they get confused, they often lash out. People do not like things that are different. People do not like that which does not conform or fit nicely into the categories.

I am so well practiced now that I unconsciously conceal myself in crowds. My ability to be invisible is ridiculous. To not draw attention. It is so bad that I do not even crave it any longer. Well, that is not true. Like I think all creatures, I do crave attention. But I fear it as well. Because when one acquires attention from others, they do not get to select the positive from the negative. One simply receives all the attention.

For me, this is no longer about the Light and the Dark. Those words and ideas were rooted in the ideas of good and evil. The thought that there was an aspect of myself that needed to be purged or corrected. I have been called a monster in my past. For feeling the things that I felt. No respectable person feels as I do, I was told.

However, over the years, I have found that most people feel in ways that are unpopular. Most people have secrets. I think that most people have a Conditioned and an Unconditioned, though they may not think of it as I am now. A part of them that they wish to promote, and a part they wish to remove. I think most people feel a lot of guilt, especially for feeling things they believe they ought not feel.

I am reminded of a popular interpretation of love, of cheating. I am told by many that one who cheats on their partner within the mind is still cheating. If this is true, I suspect that every person in every relationship will have cheated on their partner at least once. Probably a lot more than just once.

People feel as they feel. When they feel something that is unpopular, they often feel guilt. There are whole religions based on this simple idea. Hence why I believe many religions were simply created to ensure conformity within larger populations. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. Guilt motivates people strongly.

Instead, for me, I shed myself of guilt. Of concern for feeling as I feel. I feel, and it is okay. It may still matter how I act upon my feelings, as I do still have to live in a world occupied by others. But the mere feeling of a thing should not preclude my own existence in the world.

My mind, my identity, is bound in insanity. An unresolvable puzzle, between what I am told and what I observe. My Conditioned and my Unconditioned. I do not think there is an answer. I simply must allow myself to exist as best I can between the various extremes.