I think a lot of children are taught early on the idea that we should treat others how we want to be treated. That if we want to be treated kindly or with respect, we ought first to treat others with kindness and respect. And while I do believe this is a good sort of idea to embrace, as it certainly should help foster positive relationships with others, I do not believe this is entirely enough. In particular, I do not think this is the best strategy to enter into healthy intimate relationships.

I was reading a post on social media from a woman who was lonely. She expressed a desire to find a boyfriend, but was tired of people telling her that she needed to be patient. Apparently many were telling her that to be successful, she ought to stop trying to find a relationship, and that a relationship would then miraculously happen for her while she was not looking for it. I’ve heard this sentiment before, and in some fashion I also endorse it. But as with most things, it is never quite this simple.

To clarify my own perspective on this subject, I believe that to successfully find a healthy intimate relationship, the best thing one can do is to focus on and engage in the sorts of activities that they find most interesting and desirable. That is, do what you want to do and do what you like to do. Like others suggest, don’t focus on finding the relationship, distract yourself with other activities. In the course of doing what you enjoy, you will end up surrounded by people who also find that same activity enjoyable. And in spending time with those people, relationships will develop themselves.

While I still feel this is the most appropriate path to success, thinking about this woman’s post on social media makes me feel even stronger about why this is the case and why it works. And it is because of the very issue that causes so many people grief, especially women: objectification. That is, when entering relationships with others, especially intimate relationships, many women end up feeling like merely objects of sexual interest.

I believe this is entirely about respect for autonomy and is related to what I often describe about love. For me, true love is to embrace and support the desires and interests of others. That is, if I am entering into what I will call a healthy and loving relationship, my focus will be on identifying and supporting the desires and interests of the other person. It will be my goal to help them realize their goals and projects. In particular, it will not be of interest to me to suppress or even sacrifice their desires and interests for my own.

But if the other person with whom I am about to embark on such a relationship has been spending their time focused on luring me through presenting themselves inauthentically, then I might not actually share the interests or desires that I think they possess. That is, if the other person I am establishing a relationship with has presented themselves as liking different things or having different interests than they actually have, then I may be pursuing them for the wrong reasons.

Let me be plain. If I like a particular person, and I find out they enjoy Marvel movies, I may take an interest in Marvel movies. I may even do so despite my lack of interest in Marvel movies. In other words, in this situation, I am taking up an interest of theirs when it is not my own. And while this may be consistent with my description of true love, I will probably also be creating a problematic situation as well. Because now the other person may start to think that I like Marvel movies, even though I may not. And if this is how our relationship is being established, then they are entering into the situation on a false premise. They may like me because they think I like Marvel movies. This is a huge problem.

In reality, there are likely to be many, many such subtle pieces of misinformation occurring. As a specific example, I dated a woman once who indicated to me that she liked dance music. She told me this because I mentioned that I liked dance music. I enjoy house and techno and electronica. However, despite her knowing what I meant when I said “dance music,” for her dance music meant something more like classical and ballroom dance music. Clearly, upon clarification, we were talking about very different things. What upset me later was that she admitted to me that she actually understood what I was talking about at the time and went along anyway. In my ignorance, I did not understand until much later. And unfortunately, this detail was only the tip of the iceberg.

The point I wish to make here is that by taking on interests that are not my own, and especially interests that may be directly opposed to my actual interests, I am presenting myself inauthentically and misleading the other person. I may be doing it in order to establish a relationship with that other person, but ultimately I am doing both of us a disservice. Unless I plan to continue the charade indefinitely, there will eventually come a time when the truth will come out. Either that, or I will be doomed to spend the rest of my life sacrificing one (or many) of my interests and desires.

As an even more graphic example of this, and the one I used in responding to the woman on social media, if a woman decides to make herself more stereotypically attractive in order to attract a man, she is doing a similar disservice. If she enhances her appearance, augmenting her chest and wearing revealing clothing, the man whom she attracts will likely believe that this is a part of who she is. In fact, if she takes this too far, presenting herself as a promiscuous sort of woman, the man she attracts is likely to treat her as such, believing that she really is such a woman.

If the truth is that she is not such a woman (as I think most women are not), then the quickly establishing relationship is already doomed. He is going to continue treating her as something she is not, objectifying her to the extreme. And if, once the relationship is established, she tries to now reveal her true self, the man is likely to become rather upset. Either that, or she will need to maintain the ruse for as long as the relationship lasts. And if she ends up marrying that man, then that could also be rather unfortunate.

It is true that men ought not be viewing women in this way. To objectify anyone is highly problematic. But this is the reason active pursuit of relationships, on both sides, is also highly problematic. In the pursuit of a relationship, we all adjust our presentation in order to best lure a potential partner. We express interests in things we are not interested in, and we sacrifice ourselves in the pursuit. In other words, what I am trying to suggest is that it is this pursuit of a relationship that is the fundamental problem.

It is certainly true that one can find a relationship using the various strategies I have been outlining. If the goal for a person is simply not to be alone, then finding someone to be with is actually quite easy. Not being alone is easy to rectify. However, if the actual goal is more than simply alleviating loneliness, then things are obviously more complicated. If the goal is something like finding a relationship with someone who will love me for me, then my strategy most definitely must change.

Which leads me ultimately to what I have said in the title of this post. If I wish to enter into an intimate relationship with someone, a relationship that is healthy and filled with love, then I need to find someone who respects me and treats me with kindness. And to do that, I need to do something that may be quite difficult for me to do: I need to treat myself how I want to be treated. I need to treat myself with respect and with kindness.

The strategy I have endorsed above is just that. By pursuing my interests and desires, I am treating myself with the kindness and respect I wish of others as well. And by not focusing on the “hunt,” I am not placing myself into the role of either the hunter or the hunted. As I believe many people likely feel, I do not wish to be merely an object or trophy to be acquired for someone’s collection. I am not a prize to be won. I am an autonomous, free willed being who wishes respect. I have my own desires and interests that I want to pursue. So anyone who enters into a relationship with me ought to be prepared for that.

And it works in the other direction as well. Anyone I end up with ought to also be happy with my interests and desires. Their interests and desires ought to at least be compatible with my own. So they too ought to do the same as I am doing as well: pursuing their own interests and desires. They too ought to be treating themselves with kindness and respect. After all, they are in a very similar situation as I am in.

And thus, in order for a relationship between us to come about, the only way it seems to me that this will all work is for both of us to not be actively pursuing a relationship and instead be pursuing our own respective interests. If those interests come together, we are likely to come together as well. And then a healthy and positive relationship can establish itself, without the need for either of us to pretend to be something we are not.